Adventures in Unboxing

(The following conversation between one of our writers and his wife was overheard Friday evening, upon the arrival of a BIG box of Double Good popcorn.)

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Writer Guy’s Wife: “Oooh, hey. Are those my jeans?”

Writer Guy: “Nope. Pretty sure it’s a big-ole box of popcorn from my new client. WAIT. How many pairs of jeans did you order???”

Writer Guy’s Wife: “Never mind that. Did you agree to get paid in snack food… Again?”

Writer Guy: “Um, no. These are just a gift.”

writer chair
Writer Guy’s chair

Writer Guy’s Wife: “Sweet! So, what do we have? OH WOW, the inside of that box is crazy — it looks exactly like our chair. Bold design choice! Those bags are super cute, too. Can we start with this one? It’s called Sergeant Salt & Pepper.”

Writer Guy: “Witty, right? They do a whole bunch of flavors, and they all have fun names. Oh, wow, that’s amazing. It’s like salty and zippy. Geez, if only there were a way we could make other foods taste like this.”

Writer Guy’s Wife: “Ummmm…”

Writer Guy: “Oh. Never mind… What about Butter Believe It? It’s delicious, just like movie popcorn. Only without that weird yellow grease stuff. Want to watch a movie?”

Writer Guy’s Wife: “Nah, just start the next episode of House Hunters. What’s that one with all the penguins on the bag?”

Writer Guy: “It’s called Waddle You Do For Cookies? Get it? You don’t think that it’s cookies-and-cream flavored, do you?”

Writer Guy’s Wife: “Oh my dear god, it is.”

Writer Guy: “Holy crap, that’s good.”  

Writer Guy’s Wife: “Why is this bag so heavy?”

Writer Guy: “Because the popcorn is covered in cookie bits.”

Writer Guy’s Wife: “Popcorn is super healthy, right?”  

Writer Guy: “Well, how many calories do you think…”

Writer Guy’s Wife: “So help me, if you read the back of that bag out loud, we’re getting a divorce.”

Writer Guy: “Roger that. Moving on. How do we feel about In Queso Fire? It’s like nacho-cheesy with an extra kick.”

Writer Guy’s Wife: “Oohh… that’s almost exactly like extra-spicy [REDACTED], except it isn’t a chip. I don’t even feel the need to put hot sauce on it.”

Writer Guy: “That’s good, because you used it all last night.”

Writer Guy’s Wife: “Oh, yeah. OK, last one. Easy Peasy Caramel Cheesy. That can’t be right. Sounds too weird.”

Writer Guy: “Maybe, but maybe not. Do you remember in college, you had that one aunt that sent you a huge tin with three flavors of popcorn for your birthday every year?”

Writer Guy’s Wife: “Um, yeah, where are you going with this?”

Writer Guy: “Didn’t you ever get the caramel corn and the cheese corn mixed up together? Mad scientist stuff, but it’s so good. Salty-sweet-cheesy.”

Writer Guy’s Wife: “Oh, wow. Why doesn’t literally everything taste like this? Why do other foods even exist? And it’s popcorn, so it’s healthy…”

Writer Guy: “Each serving has…”

Writer Guy’s Wife: “Don’t you dare ruin this for me!”

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