What no one tells you about becoming an adult is that you’ll inevitably develop your own brand of neuroses. So will your friends, and together you’re basically a party platter of quirks with something for everyone.
We’ve decided to embrace the weird and classify our friends’ crazy. With popcorn, obviously. Below are some of the people in our crew (maybe yours, too) and the type of popcorn they’ll be getting in their stocking this year, based on their personality.
Up at 5 a.m. to hit the gym before a 7:30 conference call with someone in Hong Kong. Then a lunchtime fundraiser before afternoon meetings in the office. We get it, lunatic, you’re hardcore. May we recommend Caramel-Diem? A little sugar and some crunch will help push you through the afternoon when the fifteenth cup of coffee starts to fail you.
An immaculately designed Feng-Shui vibe permeates her entire house. The car never, and I mean never, has so much as an empty soda can on the floor. They wear the same outfit daily, because it’s perfect, and they eat the same thing for lunch for the same reason. You’re not going to get them to be adventurous, so keep it simple. Butter Believe It!
The Kooky Cousin
Wildly different-colored socks under some sort of rubberized sandal. A plaid skirt with a mid-eighties Miami Dolphins sweatshirt and a backpack shaped like an unidentifiable Pokemon. They look to be either confused or about to set a new trend, but you genuinely can’t tell which. His name is Mike. Enjoy the magical mis-match of Easy Peasy Caramel Cheesy, buddy.
The Spicy Sister
Every time you meet up for lunch, it’s Mexican or Thai food. She has literally nothing in her refrigerator but several dozen types of hot sauce and carries a Sriracha keychain around everywhere. In Queso Fire, she’s the one you’ll call.
The Straight Up Nut Job
Is his favorite bar that place that lets you throw the peanut shells on the floor? Does he have an absurd amount of sympathy for people with nut allergies? Is there a stash of PayDay candy bars in his desk? Yeah, he’s stuck In A Caramel Nutshell. That’s ok. You don’t need to help him get out.